It’s true. I did disappear for six years.

But it’s not quite what you think.

You may recall there was some drama back in the spring of 2002 when I went “missing” and my friend Jenn posted the story of my disappearance to my old journal. Unfortunately, because I’ve lost some of those pages, I can only remember bits and pieces of what she said. But based on what I do recall I’ll reconstruct the scene and explain why I am in fact not gone, as is probably obvious from the fact that you’re reading this!

I met Steve Rimbauer for dinner one evening, which is not an unusual occurrence. I’ve seen Steve quite regularly in the years since the Rose Red expedition. I’ll catch you up on that in another post another time. But suffice to say Steve and I having a night out was becoming par for the course, after the initial awkward period when I moved into the condo. What wasn’t par was the massive argument we had about my continued residence in the TechStar complex and my tireless search for Nick…

Steve is understandably terrified of Rose Red, more than he even was as a child, and refuses to come near the property. Even to this day he hasn’t visited me here, and that was what sparked the confrontation between us that night. You may remember I was experiencing some really odd phenomena, particularly with my computer, that I felt related to Joyce…or Joyce’s spirit. As time passed and I got more and more caught up in trying to find what little may have been left of Rose Red and bring it back to life, I grew more desperate. I guess you could say I was a little like Joyce by the time I had dinner with Steve that night.

And I would have stopped at nothing to achieve my goal. Ultimately to find Nick, but at the time I felt the only way to do that was to bring through anyone and anything I could, to rouse the very essence of Rose Red. I knew, and still know in my heart of hearts, that Nick is here to help the spirits Rose Red claimed. And believe me. Just because the house is gone doesn’t mean Rose Red is gone.

The more I opened up to Steve the more he began to realize that either Rose Red didn’t die when the house was demolished, or I was going crazy. Either way, as my friend, he was upset. I was trying to lure him back, thinking some combination of his Rimbauer blood and relationship with Joyce might trigger an explosive event. I thought such an event might act as a portal to bring someone or something through more concretely. I was willing to risk Steve’s safety and comfort and that was a real eye-opener for me. He was right…I was obsessed, and I was in danger. Not necessarily from the condo or from Rose Red, but from my own compulsions.

You have to understand: I’ve never stopped missing Nick so deeply that it feels like being stabbed in the chest when I wake up from a dream and realize he’s not there beside me. Sometimes I can be looking at our stuff totally calmly one minute and sobbing with grief the next. I got it in my head that I could rescue him…an idea I have never really given up…and I couldn’t stop trying to find ways to make contact, or find evidence that there’s still supernatural life on the old Rimbauer property.

I made the gigantic mistake of mentioning the incident with Joyce’s initials appearing on my computer screen, and Steve stormed out of the restaurant. I needed time to cool off, so I went for a walk by the water. But I was wearing my high heels and I fell hard off a small wall and into shallow water. I lost a shoe when the heel became wedged between some rocks. Jenn posted a photo of my shoe, taken from the scene of my “disappearance”, one of the only pieces of evidence the police had.

Yes, the police were involved. But only briefly. Because Steve and I had dressed up nicely for dinner I was carrying my cute, expensive “capsule” handbag. It was shaped like a capsule pill, black satin, very chic. Also very buoyant, it turns out. I guess because it was hard-cased and snapped shut with magnetic closure it held air a little longer than your average bag. While I was struggling to free my foot it floated away. It was dark and I couldn’t see to catch it. My cell phone was in the purse. By the time I decided to abandon my heel and find my way out of the water the bag was totally gone. I suspect whatever air was left in it leaked out while water leaked in, however that works around a hinge not designed to be watertight. It probably floated a while carried by the waves, then sank.

So 48 hours later with no cell phone contact and nobody seeing me, Jenn got in touch with the police. The police couldn’t reach my parents, so they began an investigation. They didn’t have to look far to find my shoe, I was walking on the waterfront edge of the TechStar property at the time of the accident. That was as far as the whole thing went, because a day later, I was “found”.

My disappearance was really only me…wet to the bone, half shoeless, and feeling a total jumble of emotions about what was going on in my life at the time…taking off to spend some time with my parents. When you’re really upset sometimes you just need family to help you straighten things out. My parents didn’t really understand or appreciate the whole Rose Red thing and still don’t, but they didn’t need to know all the details. All they needed to know was their daughter was under a lot of stress, missing her presumed dead fiance, and had a bad argument with a good friend. We immediately packed up some things and drove to a great spot where we once rented a cabin on the McKenzie river. The one other time we went there was the happiest time Nick and I ever spent with my family, and I wanted to feel close to the memories we’d all shared.

The police couldn’t reach my parents because my parents were with me in a cabin in the woods. My parents didn’t own cell phones at the time. I didn’t think to call Jenn because I didn’t think she’d be missing me. It was only a few days. But Jenn was massively pregnant at the time and massively pregnant women have massively huge hormones. We got back to my parents’ house after the weekend and found the messages from Jenn and the police on their answering machine. A few phone calls later it was all sorted out.

Except my shoe, which had been taken into evidence, but the damage was already done. After I collected my shoe from the police I had to throw the pair away. Sometimes I really hate waterfront property.

That only leaves two questions unanswered. First, why did Jenn have access to my site? And second, why didn’t Jenn (or me) write an update after the whole fiasco was finished?

Jenn was more technologically inclined than me and she had access to my site…and therefore my journal…because she was often helping me with site maintenance, like fixing broken links or helping me moderate the guestbook. Simple as that.

As for why neither of us wrote an update, I was still pretty upset when I got home from my getaway. It’d cleared some of the cobwebs, but it hadn’t solved my problems. One thing was clear, I needed to put aside the mystery of Rose Red for a little while. I needed to get on with my life instead of trying so hard to find a way to prove that by going to Rose Red, Nick hadn’t ended his. I buried my nose in books, aka work, since I review books for a living. Jenn was very mad at me and stayed that way for a couple weeks, until she went into premature labor and had a healthy but tiny baby girl. Of course, who can be mad with ten new fingers and ten new toes to adore? So I became an “aunt” and spent as much time as I could with Jenn and her baby, which she ended up naming Elizabeth after her husband’s grandmother. I also called Steve and made a thorough apology. He’s still not happy that I’m this condo, but he was pleased to hear I’d decided to take a few steps back from my obsessive Rose Red pursuit.

My site/journal fell by the wayside. My interest in Rose Red never waned, nor did my desire to be in touch with Nick. But my spiral into insanity was put on “pause” because I needed to pay more attention to the here and now. Nick never wanted me to do anything but live life to its fullest, and I definitely wasn’t doing that. So that’s why I stopped posting, and why Jenn stopped posting for me. She was way too busy being a new mom anyway. And about a year after Elizabeth was born, Jenn’s husband was promoted and transferred. She lives in Texas now, and we don’t see each other nearly enough.

My six year absence was about getting my life on track, and in the process, figuring out a healthier way to study the mystery of Rose Red. I truly believe Nick is still here, waiting for me. I also know that Nick always had incredible patience. He’ll wait as long as it takes for me to unravel Rose Red, to find him and bring him home.

I’m back now to show you some of my findings and to resume our collaboration in the quest to free Rose Red. But the right way, this time. Slowly and safely. And armed with knowledge, not superstition. I feel like we’re on the brink of something big. I hope you do too.

Posted in: Personal | |
Post tags: disappearance, joyce, nick, steve, techstar

1 Comment »

1. [...] want too much to happen at once, that’s precisely the sort of thing I vowed to avoid when I “disappeared” back in 2002…when I tried to lure Steve here. At least this time my motives were pure, and Emery kindly [...]

   Pingback by Unraveling Rose Red » …And So It Continues — March 10, 2009 @ 4:25 am

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