This site, by the very nature of its subject matter, is no laughing matter. But even the most terrible tragedy has some comic relief. Nick has a wicked, dry wit, and can crack jokes even under the greatest pressure. So he’d appreciate me giving a little “time out” to show you something that, now that I look back on it, is absolutely hilarious.

You may remember the publication Weekly World Digest, which was sold mostly at supermarket check-out lines and newspaper stands. It was a black and white rag that was even worse than a tabloid, because tabloids at least attempt to convey something like the truth (they have to, it’s illegal not to…). Weekly World Digest preferred to tell tales of babies born with bat wings, demons possessing ball machines at church bingo nights, vampires feeding off the First Lady, etc. All of these stories were accompanied by usually terribly unconvincing photoshopped pictures – ringing any bells now? Unfortunately, Weekly World Digest went out of business, so I can’t link you to a web site with samples. But I’m sure it’s well logged in the annals of most people’s memories.

Well, Weekly World Digest got wind of the aftermath of the Memorial Day Rose Red trip and printed what may have been the only WWD feature ever to have some basis in reality, even if the details in their version are – to say the least – highly inventive.

Jenn saw this issue of the WWD at the supermarket check-out when it was published in June of 2001. She gave it to me with the disclaimer that she hoped it wasn’t grossly inappropriate of her. I told her that is was very much grossly inappropriate of her; because my wounds were still so fresh I had no desire to read a fictitious rehashing of the story I couldn’t stop thinking about. But a few months later, however raw I still was, I read the WWD issue, and I think it was my first laugh after Nick’s disappearance. (I called Jenn and apologized immediately.)

I’m afraid I’m too tired this evening to scan the whole story for you, so I’ll just transcribe the highlights. Besides the cover (above), which was surreal enough as it is, the WWD crew got very creative when it came to informing their readers about the identities of the expedition’s participants.

“Nick Hardaway was a Scottish grocer who discovered his psychic abilities after being hit in the head by a large melon that fell off a farmer’s delivery truck. He moved to America in search of fame and fortune. At the time of his death he was planning to marry into a very rich family, who agreed to finance all his future ghost hunts.”

How many untruths can you spot in the preceding paragraph? Scottish? Grocer? Hit in the head by a melon? And best of all, rich family? If my family’s so rich, I’d like to know where they’ve been hiding the money all these years.

Someone once told me I should sue, but I thought it would be a pointless exercise. The truth is well known, especially thanks to the miniseries chronicling the Rose Red events.

Of course, Nick’s not the only one to get a special WWD treatment. Here’s what they had to say about Joyce:

“Professor Joyce Reardon, 52, was a sociologist and expert in teaching apes to communicate. Growing up in a highly superstitious Ecuadorian household, Joyce became interested in Rose Red after her mother overheard two ladies talking about the annual historical society tour in 1950.”

Never mind the random flailing at “facts” that is Joyce’s profession (teaching apes to communicate?) and ethnicity (Ecuadorian?), if you do simple math it’s completely impossible. Even supposing Joyce was 52 (which she was not), she would have had to be 1 year old (1950) when she took an interest in Rose Red. And Ellen disappeared in 1950; the annual historical society tours didn’t commence until the 1960s.

But WWD didn’t stop there. Take a look at their sensationalism for poor Pam Asbury.

“Pam Asbury was a go-go dancer who developed her psychic touch while pole dancing at New York City’s seedy hot spot Hoochie Coochie. Pam wrote in her memoir, titled Let Me Feel the Real You, that the act of rubbing her hands on the strip club’s pole night after night made them hypersensitive, and that hypersensitivity went beyond the normal human range of sense of touch.”

Pam was never a go-go dancer. Hoochie Coochie doesn’t exist. Pam never wrote a memoir, most certainly not one called Let Me Feel the Real You!

Vic and Cathy were two birds to WWD’s one stone:

“Victor Kandinsky and Cathy Kramer were the only two of Reardon’s psychics who knew each other before the trip, but the fact that they knew each other was a closely guarded secret. Victor, 83, a Catholic Deacon and Kathy, 82, an ex-nun, often teamed up on paranormal investigations to perform what they called ‘ambush exorcisms’. Believing that all psychics are evil, the pair posed as psychics in order to catch true psychics unaware and give an impromptu exorcism to rid them of the demons that give psychics their ‘gifts’. “

If anyone should have sued, it should have been Cathy. But I never had the heart to ask her if she’d seen it, and she never brought it up.

Steve, by the way, was mentioned only as:

“Steven Rimbauer, the house’s owner, rented it to Joyce Reardon after losing the last of his family’s fortune gambling in the French Riviera.”

There were other details sprinkled throughout the piece.

• According to WWD Emery has a club foot.
• They said Professor Miller was a descendant of Adolf Hitler.
• Kevin Bollinger was, in their version, not a student journalist but a roving reporter for the Seattle CBS affiliate station.
• Sukeena was a Chinese concubine brought to America by John Rimbauer.
• John Rimbauer died of typhoid fever.
• Ellen Rimbauer was in the process of building a Neverland Ranch-style theme park on the Rose Red property at the time of her disappearance.
• April Rimbauer was kidnapped by the “gypsy” Cora Frye, and raised in Romania. At the time of publication she was still alive and giving tea readings to European royalty.
• Annie wasn’t autistic but deaf and mute, and Rachel was blind. (It’s Rowan Atkinson’s “Tom, Dick & Harry”, I swear…)

The article still makes me laugh after all these years.

It’s a great issue altogether – you should hear about the tea party the Queen of England threw for Abraham Lincoln’s ghost…

Posted in: Persons, Press | |
Post tags: annie, april, bollinger, cathy, cora frye, ellen, emery, john rimbauer, joyce, magazine, nick, pam, professor miller, rachel, steve, sukeena, vic

6 Comments »

1. Well, I guess I have some investigating to do…. MMMMM Rose Red stories! Sounds like an interesting story!

   Comment by Christina — March 23, 2009 @ 3:51 pm

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3. Wow… that’s just… wow. I shouldn’t be surprised by WWD going that far out of their way to sensationalized stories, but… wow.

   And now is the time when I confess that I have never heard of the Rose Red situation, but I’m eager to learn more and help if I can.

   Comment by Dawn — March 23, 2009 @ 6:20 pm

4. Thank you, Dawn! You’ll find a lot of information about Rose Red on this site, and I recommend the miniseries & diary book. Your offer of help is appreciated and I look forward to any input you may have as time goes by!

   Comment by Ally — March 23, 2009 @ 7:10 pm

5. Hello Ally,

   Sorry that I have not been in contact for a while, Emery and I have been out looking around for houses to conduct our experiments in, and unfortunately most of the houses are quite out of range from any civilization, so it’s great to finally be back home where we can use our internet and such.

   Anyway, I absolutely find this article quite entertaining. Pam being a go-go dancer, from what Emery told me, she was far from that, she was more like a primary school teacher more that anything and we both find it hilarious that they wrote that about her, we are both sitting here still chuckling to ourselves.

   It is also odd how they said about Emery having a club foot. Personally he found it quite insulting, considering his youth of being teased, but now for people to make up false disabilities, which is just immorally wrong. But also for the fact that he does have a real disability (that of I am sure most are aware).

   But for the most part, the article was quite entertaining.

   And just thinking about it… Steve renting Rose Red to Joyce of whom they stated was over 50, and considering his relationship with her, I don’t think he would be so desperate to sleep with a woman over 50 just to get some money and rent out the house. Once again, I find myself grinning from ear to ear just thinking about this.

   Reading this quote “Ellen Rimbauer was in the process of building a Neverland Ranch-style theme park on the Rose Red property at the time of her disappearance.” made me think how wonderful the property would have been if this was the case, with Ellen and Sukeena’s sense of design and oddity in architecture, it would have been a truly marvellous design.

   Well thank-you for giving us such a light-hearted and comedic look into what others may think of Rose Red and the Memorial Day Team.
   May Nick, Pam, Vic and Joyce Rest in Peace.

   From Mary

   P.S. Hope you are doing well yourself.

   Comment by Mary — March 29, 2009 @ 5:29 am

6. Mary, so nice to hear from you as always.

   Please do select a place a little more civilised…I’d worry about you two in a spot where there’s no contact with the rest of the world. After the way Rose Red severed contact by phone or any other method, it’d freak me out knowing I was outside cell service or even radio signal!

   Simply a friend worrying for other friends, though. I do know you two are capable of handling just about anything.

   I thought the go-go dancer thing was hilarious and such a stretch of the imagination I could almost imagine the writer, twirling his pencil against his cheek, trying to imagine what there could possibly be to say about a pretty young woman. Go-go bars were probably his only experience with them!

   I do feel a bit badly for Pam’s family though. That was quite a libelous statement…the paper went out of business too quickly for anybody to get a suit together, I guess. This isn’t the first story they’ve blatantly made up, of course.

   With his good looks and charm Steve sleeping with a 50 year old woman just for rent is a bit far fetched. Thena gain, with his looks and charm Steve could be an escort…

   I’m sorry that Emery was offended by their one-off statement about his alleged club foot. But you should remind him Lord Byron had a club foot, so if he really DID have that disability, he’d be in illustrious company! I do admire how well Emery has come to take his real life disability in stride and work around it. It’s amazing to see. I guess 8 years helps you adjust to a lot.

   And I agree with you, the more I think of it the more I like the idea of a Rose Red theme park. They certainly would have made it an amazing design. Maybe Steve should approach the Wild Waves amusement park (formerly Six Flags) nearby about designing a Rose Red ride…using some of the real ideas from the house, a cross between a funhouse and a rollercoaster perhaps?

   Comment by Ally — April 2, 2009 @ 8:02 am

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